A member of the public would like to share his experiences of depression, he considers himself an ordinary family man with a fulltime job and a “normal life”. No one is immune from mental health problems, if this blog strikes a chord, please contact us for help and support.
I recently had 2 weeks off work due to stress and saw a counsellor for some sessions, these sessions really helped and having the opportunity to speak someone completely unconnected to my home life and my employment was quite an uplifting and cathartic experience. Now having experienced this I am more aware when the ‘black dog’ visits me, sometimes job stress lets him in as does other life stressors.
When he visits me, it is the most strange experience as it feels as if my head is sharing its space with this ‘visitor’ who distracts me, tries to change my thoughts and seems to be persistent in pushing his agenda rather than my own. However, I know he is not real, he is a manifestation, an illusion, an unwanted companion !! Knowing this is important but believing this is the key, I am not my thoughts. I will now challenge my negative thoughts and not just believe them, why should I?.. just because my mind creates them? I am trying write my own story, a positive one and the black dog is not included.
2nd instalment.
Today I feel surrounded by negative energy, whether that’s people’s attitudes or images. I have seen 2 ‘head-clutcher’ images today which depict what people with mental health problems should look like…well…NO ! I can’t think when I have clutched my head other than when my dad died. My mental health is about this dialogue which runs around my head trying to undermine my happiness, to look at me you would not see it, you would really need to know me to know when I am dipping, here’s a clue though…its generally when I appear the happiest and am bouncing about like Tigger (I think he scares the black dog away). If you see me clutching my head, it’s probably because I have banged it due to being clumsy…not because I sometimes experience poor mental health.
Blog 3:
The black dog became smaller, browner, with a long tail and was scurrying along the fence line in my garden one evening recently at dusk. Now when the smaller brown ratty ‘dog’ was running around under the decking earlier this year, combined with lots of other problems (leaky shower, money/job worries, faulty boiler, ratty brown ‘dog’ scratching in the bay window void!), it all became too much and I cracked !! This time I felt the fear begin to build inside, oh no not again, when will I get a break, where there is one there’s more !!…was I going to start ‘losing it’ again?…well, a little bit but then things just seemed to be a bit more in perspective, so no, not this time, I felt less anxious, less worried. I knocked on the neighbour who agreed to deal with his side of the fence, I dealt with mine, he won 3 nil.
Now I know there is a fragility inside me that I never had before, more emotional and worried, sometimes feeling ‘out of body’ with myself, now that’s weird I can tell you!! I still feel the pull over to the black side but I am resisting, as the ‘The Borg’ would state, resistance is futile; but they are wrong; Resistance is Everything and knowledge is the key; I am lucky to work in mental health and have a really good understanding of the workings of the brain and the body, all inter-connected, complex and wonderful, so I know what drives my anxiety, stress and leads to depression and I would urge others who feel this way to learn what it is, start taking back control. I am finding my internal conversations are being led by my rational self, more and more…don’t get me wrong, I still can be right proper miserable chuff, but that’s on my terms now, and, strangely perhaps, that makes me happy!
‘Death anxiety’
It really does seem to follow me to some unlikely places….how come when I am having a weekend away and having a whale of a time, it turns up as if just to remind me it has not gone completely yet. So things are not perfect, probably never are or will be, but I do seem to be able to plod on regardless, yet there I was lying in my bed at the hotel after a good night out and boom !!… I was overcome by this immense feeling of sadness, hopelessness and fear, I imagined my own death and leaving behind all the people I love and care for. What the hell is that all about?…well apparently it’s ‘death anxiety’ according to the tinterweb. I’ve had this one for a while I reckon, never really been able to cope with death in some ways…sort of ignore the death of others as if they are not really dead but just not in my life anymore….a very clever person connected to the university and the hospice reassured me this was ok as we all deal with such things in lots of different ways, but still the thought of me not being around is far too ‘out there’ for me to even contemplate, maybe that’s why sometimes it saves itself up and comes at me like a ‘bull in a china shop’ !! so anyways, I’ve been doing this ‘self-help’ thing and I am still working on identifying the things I can control and the things I can’t and trying to ‘let go’ of the latter; I have been trying this more and more and the great thing is when you start letting go of the things you can’t change they really do seem to disappear and not bother you as often…but…I think just every now and then I need accept a few broken cups & saucers.
